Monday, February 20, 2006


"Hey there! U there? Take care, maharot ... Where's your pic? Will you ever be comin' to Dubai?"

Unexpected offline messages coming from that all-too missed fellow, Damien. How would I react? Believe it or not, I cried. This was the second time this February that I cried --- all because of offline messages from this most treasured sender in the virtual environment. Don't be confused. The messages were simple, no-offense thoughts (without a tinge of romance) sent across miles. It wasn't his fault that in its simplicity and yes, timing, the words left a strong impact to keep me overwhelmed, literally sending a jolt! I have no word to describe it, I mean what I felt. But it signaled a crying bout for about a few minutes, I couldn't make any justification for such a reaction.

More than a hundred chatmates, in more than a year of chatting (with the rest now consigned to the Ignore List, if not totally deleted), only one guy has ever stirred up that kind of emotion or feeling in me.

His name is the only one listed in my YM Contact List as Virtual Priority No. 1 -- the all-time favorite, better than ice-cream, chocolates and roses combined! Let all these chatfriends of mine come online simultaneously, I'm more than willing to give them all up for this one guy.

Perhaps, I have sorely missed Damien. Perhaps, I have missed him like crazy. When he left the virtual environ and remained "unaccounted for" for several months, I went into that state of being where I couldn't even dare to read past conversations recorded in the message archive (my pc has since twice been reformatted), or to look at pictures we shared and discussed about before while online, or even to glance at his empty ID whenever I opened my YM (you think I have the heart to delete his name? I just minimized that portion in my Messenger List where his name is listed, to avoid any painful association). A part of me badly ached in the sense that any reminder about him could send me into a tearful mode (who wants to be seen crying for no apparent reason? I was not even trying out for an acting or drama role somewhere).

Yes, a part of me literally got stuck up in a box where only one size fitted in. While I continued with my chatting --- and meeting a lot of guys down there, all interesting characters in their own way, no one has ever occupied the special place I have reserved for Damien. In my subconscious perhaps, I was making a comparison of sort. Quite unfair to the rest of those guys who exerted honest efforts to let their presence be felt.

The possibility of Damien and I meeting on chat is not remote unless he intentionally plays hide and seek. Damien still owes me something, least he forgets -- some promises he made before --- like divulging now his real name (first name, at least --- is it a G or a D?), and putting some tune into the lyrics of my "Basta" composition. But more than these promises, his assurance of existence like sending those feelers, is good enough for me. It has the effect of reviving a lifeline disconnected for a time.

Shall I say, Welcome Back, Damien? Or .... ???

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


After four (4) months of regular chatting, Damien disappeared from the virtual environ without a trace, so to speak. The last offline message he sent to me was a very concise-five-word liner: "this is no goodbye, gagah!".. Don't mistake it --- gagah, like maharot, was a monicker of sort that he used on me, which i always took in good stride. As chatmates, Damien and I coined words and phrases in English and in my vernacular (as he showed interest in learning my language) that were peculiar to a given situation, e.g., whenever we talked sexy or naughty. Words like rehab (to mean bedroom encounters), maharot or maharotti were added to our vocabularies to refer to our flirtatious mood at that moment. We created a positive, even funny twist to several tagalog words that would otherwise, invoke negative connotations, e.g., gagah luka-luka, sira, atbp. -- all these for sheer fun and enjoyment in the chatroom.

The guy had charisma, a certain appeal, an aura of sensuality. At times, i was seeing it in the manner he lit up a cigarette; sometimes in the movement of his head, in the naughty sparkle of those eyes, or in that smile.

Damien was knowledgeable, very witty, very articulate. His excellent grasp and command of the English language (he was not born with an English twang) made if possible for us to have interesting discussions. His greatest asset though was, I think, his sense of humor. In his presence, there was no moment in the virtual that I was not enjoying myself. Monotony or boredom --- these were strange words with us.

I had the privilege of also catching a glimpse at the other facet of his personality -- the one I seldom saw ... the serious, humane, vulnerable part, yet that part that showed enough maturity, understanding and appreciation about life, about people.

Damien was my muse the moment he entered into my tabula rasa. He brought a fresh perspective in my life, allowed me to be myself without fear of being judged, to indulge in my passion, to pursue dreams that were already consigned to the archive, to be inspired, most of all. We do not meet people by chance. Perhaps, there was a purpose in having met him that one, boring Saturday afternoon in March.

It was only Damien who gave me this sense of connectedness; of discovering that with him, time could stand still. I used to entertain some creepy feeling of having known him before as if we were soulmates. But such belief ran counter to my own religious background. Ah, maybe, some things would rather be not spoken of, nor given names. "That which is understood need never be spoken". Or perhaps, I was overanalyzing things.

To say that he completely altered my world like no other, was an understatement. Without him now, I am back to grappling for a meaning again within the context of my life.

Forgetting Damien? I wish this is easier done.

Monday, August 15, 2005


Where would you choose that love should go? Into the heart? Into memory? Into life, or into oblivion? The choices were made probably by someone who had gone so much through life by loving and losing.

Finallly, she met that someone whose resemblance to a guy in an old photograph she has been keeping all those years, was quite striking. Was he the one she has been searching all along? But in a snap of a finger, he disappeared without even hinting goodbye --- leaving her with unanswered questions. She keeps a flicker of hope though. There is no closure yet. One could cling to that thin line that separates hope from hopelessness; perhaps, to stop the agony of uncertainty. Of having waited too long, in vain.

He would probably not understand what she has gone and will be going through. The word is unwritten --- a vow that would rather be left unspoken. But like any searing pain, a pang is felt every now and then. Ah, just when she thought the search was over, the veil remains.

Should there be a letting go now? Of accepting that Destiny can't be reconciled between the here and now? The heart has suffered long enough and need to let go and rest.

Let go and rest but not to oblivion, please.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005



69 could be the world's most favorite number (sexually, i.e.), but it is not intended here to pound on the same line of thought or idea. But well .... since you caused the intro of this number into my otherwise "peaceful, unadulterated existence" (Talaga lang ha!), i shall respond to this call of "reawakening to No. 69", with a wee bit of the O (hmmm....).
69 is a Cancer sign, the sign of a Crab (am i right?). It also happens to be the sign of that someone special ---- someone with whom i have developed a certain affinity --- who entered into my tabula rasa and altered the order of things for me, like no other. Life's irony (in the chatroom only) however, is that: while the privilege of viewing him on cam has been granted generously on several occasions, he has stubbornly kept mum about his real name. The guessing game hasn't ended til this time. Whew!

Be Water! Be Snake! On July 15, you'll be 28.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (i have this tendency to forget birthdates, so bear with me if this greeting came in advance).

Monday, July 11, 2005

BASTA (An Original Music Composition)

Hintay ko ang smiley kapag nagyellow
mamaya pagdating ng ala-una
alam ko andiyan ka na
CtC, stranger?

Guluhin mo na
tahimik kong buhay
kahit malayo ka o wala sa cam
sige, okay lang
wala akong paki, basta.

Ang naiintindihan di kailangang sabihin
walang bibigkasin, siguro di nga kailangan
sa puso o isip nandoon lang yon
di ko man sabihin, laman ng puso
di mo man sabihin ang nasa isip
alam mo na yon, alam ko na yon
basta, basta, basta.

Mangulit ka na
mangharot ka pa
okay lang
basta, basta, basta
secret natin ha?

Di ba masaya
di ka man makita sa cam
wala ring picture sa email ko
sige, sapat na yan
basta, basta, basta.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Even before my heart was no longer mine
been broken into pieces
the shattered bits
resided in harmless hearts
until you came.

Stranger, you are putting together
pieces of my heart
i can feel the happiness deep within me
don't care if it lasts a second
as long as it sustains my lifeline a little longer.

hello, hello sweet stranger
you can't come into my life completely
who cares anyway?
if love can grow in the most unexpected place
yeah, maybe, that's cool.
no matter what happens to me
it's good to know there's always a choice
life is beautiful, still bearable with you.

don't be burdened though, sweet stranger
you can say goodbye
while i'm saying my hello.